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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in temet nosce's LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 16th, 2017
9:25 am
vision check.
Unless something drastically changes with the weather tomorrow morning, I'm going to forego the backpacking trip with Grace until the weekend after our Asheville trip. Right now it's looking like it's going to rain all weekend.

I wanted to get my thoughts down before they get too muddled by the daily business. This week's been a blur and I just haven't been able to focus. Everyday starts out fast because it's right out of bed into the grind. Each day, week, is too unpredictable to rely on a routine -- or maybe I'm just not reliable. It's not like I was Mr. Routine before C & K came along. If we could make it work so that I could quit my job, I think I could get it together.

By the end of this year I want my album recorded. I want to be in decent shape so that I can start performing these songs. I want to be on my way to growing an edible food forest. I want my own line of t-shirts, because if I'm going to wear symbols on my person I want them to mean something, to have purpose. I want to be camping/backpacking once a month, except maybe during the really cold months Dec.-Feb.

I need to get organized and I'm not sure how to go about that. I feel like I've pulled away from YT and FB a bit, but I still feel the pull every time I open the computer. Maybe I just need to schedule once a week instead of once a day. Maybe I need to start using notebooks and ripping out pieces of paper so I don't have to open electronic devices as often, maybe just once in the morning to check the calendar, and otherwise for recording music/video performances, and research.
Wednesday, June 14th, 2017
10:54 pm
Asheville trip: Eden-out for dinners at home two nights. Plant restaurant one night.

Tuesday: Arrive in afternoon.

Wednesday: Botanical Gardens trip.

Thursday: Arboretum.

Friday: Nature Center.

Saturday: Out by 12pm.
Sunday, June 4th, 2017
9:26 pm
I'm not sure what to make of things. I feel more grounded in reality now. I feel I have a better understanding of why I am where I am. I'm the critic, always quick to judge and criticize, but what have I done? What have I accomplished? How have I put myself out there? I think that's part of why I want to get this album done: to make something, to put myself out there. This is about continuing my recently renewed journey of self-exploration, to understand what I'm capable of musically, why I was given songwriting talent, if it is talent and something I should be pursuing, or if it is a test and part of my ego that I need to learn to lay down.
Saturday, June 3rd, 2017
12:36 am
open mic list.
Evening Muse
Mondays open at 7, start at 8.
Tosco music one Wednesday a month - check calendar

Summit Coffee in Davidson
Tuesdays at 7pm

Smokey Joe's Cafe
Tuesdays at 9pm

Petra's
Wednesdays open at 7:30, start at 8.

The Broken Spoke
Wednesdays open at 7, start at 8.

Mugs
2nd Wednesday of the month
7:30-9, not just music

The Bathtub Gin in Mooresville
Thursdays sign ups at 8:30 start at 9:00

Pintville Craft Beer in Pineville
1 Thurs a month???

The art scene in Charlotte is pretty shit.
Friday, June 2nd, 2017
9:39 pm
Hymnal lyrics
I want to put all the lyrics to the album together to see how they flow, and to cement in my mind that this is the right choice of songs, and just that this is a good album in general. So, here goes.

---

Song list:
O Mary I
In Celebrity
Lucifer's Calling
The Prodigal Father
Atmosphere
Half-Belief
Hollywood
Lost is Home/Around the Field
Poquoson
The Moral of the Story
strumglory (Reprise)

---

"O Mary I"

On the floor I sang the saddest saddest song
alone, my feet up on the ottoman.
O Mary I think for the time I felt alive.

Oh I know I haven’t had a meal today;
that loaf of bread is staler than the clay
that commemorates the early breaking of my heart.

In my life
I am despised for all my blatant suicide.

Now my mother keeps me in the laundry room;
My poems I’ve printed out and scattered on the roof.
So I missed the show, I see your soldiers marching home.

In my life
I am despised for all my blatant suicide.

Oh I know I haven’t had my meal today;
that loaf of bread is staler than the clay
that commemorates the early breaking of my heart.

On the floor I sang the saddest saddest song
alone, my feet up on the ottoman.
O Mary I think for the time --
O Mary I’m thankful for your time --
O Mary I think for the time I felt alive.

But in my life
I am despised for all my blatant suicide.

"In Celebrity"

born the forlorn son of man
a child strung out from the womb
and the scorn of a fool

deliver me from my kind
and from the innocence that falls
as a veil from us all

as time rolls on
i feel my life pass me by

you were a friend i admit
that i could not reciprocate
when you gave love, i’d notate

through every room, every house
and every despot i've endured
with the cure in my hands

as time rolls on
i feel my life pass me by
spinning words round me
in celebrity in which i now sigh
and now you see me i’ve grown pacified
by own sins
and this world akin

deliver me from my kind
before i split myself in two
to make room for an alibi

as time rolls on
i feel my life pass me by
spinning words round me
in celebrity in which i now sigh
and now you see me i’ve grown pacified
by own sins
and this world akin

"Lucifer's Calling"

Sundays rise
into a sea of anarchists and christs,
but i'll be here to play any game you want.

Through bad news
the conversation turned into yer blues --
don't be scared, you're still
just a little baby boy.

... And, anyway, i want you here;
behold how the light shines
on our way down,

and in the fall
we sail past our safety
nets off course.

Don't go...
don't go home....

"The Prodigal Father"

Soon, you'll balloon and launch yourself over crowds
and crash in the desert of your life:
hollow sacrifice.
The criminals are hungry there, and the fear
but the feeling is moot.

All these wards will relieve you when you get hurt,
and all these wars
will still be here when you get bored.

Don't stand so tall, your station is on the ground,
your head is a crown full of fight,
iron in the blood.
You can't make it on your own, if you go
you don't stand a chance.

All these wards will relieve you when you get hurt,
and all these wars
will still be here when you get bored.

"Atmosphere"

Breathe in the atmosphere,
Take some time for yourself in your apartment;
On the eve of your demigod
Shine a light on the walls of your salvation.

Breathe in the atmosphere,
Blend the earth with the dirt of your fingers;
Should the seeds ever come alive,
Palm your heart like a bald ripe tomato.

Breathe in the atmosphere,
Step inside 'til you find yourself forgiveness,
But will you appear when the squalls arrive?
I am calling your cell for an answer.
I am calling your cell for an answer.

"Half-belief"

Oh, there's a wind in my face my words hit,
tragical how I long for embrace only now.
Where were you when I held your hand and led you home
where the earth that I seed shows nothing but the coals
of the hymnals we burned in the snow.

Oh, I have clung to your tit and swung from Parthenon
to the cross on your chest and candles in your drawers.
I don't know where you ran, I don't know where to look:
All the lessons to take, I mistook.

I am believing in you.
I half-believe in you.
I half-believe that only time is true.
Time is true.

"Hollywood"

The music that I write
(it's all in your head)
is going to save my life
(it's all up in your head)
and if you could only hear me
(only hear me)
I could still be a moment too soon.

Hollywood.

I will brand my name
(it's all in your head)
from a billboard to a saint
(it's all up in your head)
and if you could only hear me
(only hear me)
I could still be a moment too soon.

Hollywood.
Is it God inside of you (inside)
or is it Hollywood?

If you could only hear me
(only hear me)
I could still be a moment too soon.

Hollywood.

"Lost is Home"

The feeling is lost,
the feeling is home,
and the battlelines cross
our boundaries and schools,
and it's all a cherade,
a black-market masquerade:
the prison you bought
is glistening as you mop.

The feeling is lost,
the feeling is home,
and the battlelines cross
our churches and pews;
let the village be saved;
we'll drain what's left from the lake
and honor the scene
in a wind-battered barn painting.

The feeling is lost,
the feeling is home,
and the battlelines cross
our families and rules
and it's all a mistake
so take it back and I'll pay
respects to your dreams,
shutters and screens.

The feeling is lost.
The feeling is home again.

The feeling is home again.
The feeling....

"Around the Field"

Around the field it's a long long way to run,
and through the years that's a long time in the sun.

In the bowels of the night you might leave me if I stay,
and make light of all the talk we will keep here either way.

"Poquoson"

There's a boy on the harbor
stranded by the wind
in a catboat turning roundabout;
his sail sags like his chin,
and it's a long way to the ocean,
it's a long way back to shore,
so hoist your shoulders and slap down the oars
and shuttle your way home.

In the forecast, a dense corporate fog,
I cannot sleep a wink
and curse the winter, turn the faucet knob,
shiver in my bare feet,
and it's a long way to Poquoson,
it's still a long way to the coast,
so crack your window and lay back your bones.
We'll fill up on the road.

I'll jog in the morning,
it's better than nothing,
it's better than nothing else,
sing a lullaby in the pouring rain,
it's better than nothing,
it's better than nothing else,
watch the waters churn and the levies break,
it's better than nothing,
it's better than nothing else,
say what you want it's a long drive to the funeral wake,
but it's better than nothing,
it's better than nothing else.

"The Moral of the Story"

In the fortieth season of the human door,
I hear a voice arrest in me a fire that I've ignored.

How long must I train?
For how long must I train?
For how long?

It was a secret: Mama bore me into hell.
The moral of the story is we have no souls to sell.

How long must I train?
For how long must I train?
For how long?

"strumglory (Reprise)"

Hello, Jamie.
Hello, love.
We are walking in from the dark,
and on the porch steps of the dormitory
we encounter students out front.
But don't let them see your breath,
don't disclose the knowledge that they've abandoned inside
and we will greet them in the afternight
on these courtyards and trailways and in the halls of science.

Let me whisper in your ear.

Hey, there are people who will crush you
with a mind of stone
and will delegate you to your room,
but don't let them count you out,
beseige your glory in England or Australia.
Carpe spiritum.

Let me whisper in your ear.

Hello, Sara.
Hello, child.
We can play here for a while.
And in the fallout of my accumulating failures,
this is our reprise.
After you graduate please stay in touch,
I swear I can never write a letter or say much.
And we will meet up in a swath of lies
and cut the martyrmongers down with our scythes.

Let me whisper in your ear.
10:08 am
plan of action.
I'm feeling at a loss. I have finished the lyrics to the album. I have finished reading Gaia's Garden. I feel pretty good about the health of my personal soil, so now it's time to take action, and that means getting organized and getting plans together.

Songwriting/performing: I need to get in better shape. I sing better, stronger when I'm exercising regularly. I've been putting off doing any exercise lately because I don't see a point if I can't commit to a consistent routine. There's too many wildcards in my life at the moment. It's really either get up earlier or get it in at night after everyone is in bed.

I need to get out to open mics. Restring the guitar. Get a list of open mic venues together and schedule days. One every couple of weeks sounds like a good, achievable goal.

I also need to keep a song on the table that I wish to finish lyrics too. I want to finish the "Mary" song (a song I wrote a couple years ago when I was first attempting a Christmas song, but it turned into something of a love song, or perhaps a song to the divine feminine, although that's what the Christmas song is about, but this song won't take place in the nativity). That's a good catchy pop song. I feel I should also finish the "In The Flesh" song, which is the oldest song I've written that I feel is worth keeping.

Start recording demos for these songs, so that I can get a feeling what songs need drums, and eventually reach out to Tom Eure to see if he would be comfortable helping me record it. If I need a drummer, I can reach out to Kerekes.

Start getting more songs out of my head and onto youtube/soundcloud, ones I have finished like the two Christian songs and some older songs that I finished but don't think will fit onto the album. ("Fall Me", "Hastelands")

Gardening: Get a list together of all the plants I want in our yard (I want to call it garden; basically every part of the yard that isn't impervious area or the natural forest area.

Create a tentative plan for swales and ponds. Build an A-frame and start marking contour lines.

Develop a tentative plan for the yard and figure out where to concentrate first so that I can start sheet mulching those areas and clearing and building hugelkultur beds.

Figure out good sources for wood chips and cardboard. Start collecting truckloads of compost from Andy Hunter.
Sunday, May 28th, 2017
12:17 pm
"The Moral of the Story"

In the fortieth season of the human door,
I hear a voice arrest in me a fire that I've ignored.

How long must I train?
For how long must I train?
For how long?

It was a secret: Mama bore me into hell.
The moral of the story is we have no souls to sell.

How long must I train?
For how long must I train?
For how long?

---

I believe I have working lyrics for the second to last song on the album, although I feel the first line for the second verse may need tweaking, but the sentiment is there. We do not live to avoid hell in a posthumous world, but rather to escape it as we already born there. (Escape is probably not accurate here; transcend perhaps.) Hell and heaven do not exist as separate places. Hell is what we've created for ourselves in our own pomp and ignorance; heaven can be achieved through raising our own awareness collectively, understanding our place in the harmony of all life. All life is in this together, and it feeds off itself and recycles. If you are not working toward a better world, you may be reborn as one of those who suffer under the current situation.
Friday, May 26th, 2017
11:12 pm
prepping soil.
Gardening has engulfed my consciousness for the time being, although I haven't done anything physical besides harvest some mint, basil, rosemary, baby lettuce, and wild blackberries, and collected some bags of yard waste. Mostly, I'm in observation mode, trying to get a handle on the property in order to come up with a plan for the yard. The other night I discovered we have some wild grapes growing all over the wooded areas, which means I definitely want to incorporate grapes into our landscape.

My longterm goal at this point is to have there be a day where 100% of what I eat comes from our yard. I might be able to pull it off next summer or fall if I can get my annual gardening up to snuff and figure out how to grow melons, but realistically it could be a few years. I guess my longlongterm goal would be for nearly 100% of what I eat total coming from the garden and to be harvesting so much food I need to give it away.

A couple of links I wanted to record:
http://cvs.bio.unc.edu/pubs/4thApproximationGuideFinalMarch2012.pdf - I believe we are a Dry-Mesic Oak-History Forest (Piedmont Subtype), though I need to go through the species listed one more time to confirm.
https://mediasite.online.ncsu.edu/online/Catalog/Full/f5a893e74b7c4b7980fd52dcd1ced71521 - This is an entire semester's worth of lectures for a permaculture class given at NC State. Invaluable information.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9ew4_svq9K3N3puYWNuSF9MdlE/edit - A list of perennial vegetables. Our area is "Hot and Humid".

I think gardening has appealed to me at this point in my life because nurturing the soil to health is paramount for success, which a terrific analogy for what I feel I have been doing to myself, my own "soil", these past couple of years, in order to better increase my own growth and yields. I've prepped my soil and am starting to see hints of returns. I hope to self-alchemize and achieve my purpose.
Thursday, May 18th, 2017
11:49 pm
the blathering child.
I'm wondering if changing oneself starts with changing one's perception of oneself. Perhaps how I see myself is how I manifest in the world and to others. "Residual self image". My confidence is often shaken to the point where I don't think much of myself, that I'm a loser (whatever that is) for the most part. Others have it figured out, or at least the important stuff, how to communicate with one another, build relationships, whatever, and I can't get it right, and so on. So to others I appear lost, as someone who can't get it right, because that's how I see myself. If I see myself as someone who can get it right, would that affect how others see me (not that I care how others see me, but in a way I do because affecting change in the world requires connecting with others), and how close would I be venturing on delusion, i.e. ignoring reality as it is? How reality is I suppose is exempt from our collective perception.

Since as far back as I can remember, I've talked to myself in my head. Always a one-way conversation. When I was a kid I imagined this small person, no bigger than my thumb perhaps, that was with me, and that was whom I was talking to. I remember one day sitting out on the front stoop, and kicking him so hard he flew over the horizon. He came back a week later, so I kicked him again. He didn't come back after that, but I kept talking. Maybe it's not the person that I'm talking to that's the problem. Maybe it's the person talking. Will the feminine element in me speak up and smash the blathering child?

Where do I go from here? I have neglected myself in recent months, but after the primary priorities are completed, time is up on waking hours, and any time for meditation, reflection, writing, etc. must be withdrawn from sleeping hours. I like gardening; I like the tenets behind permaculture, being a true steward of the earth, nursing it back to health instead of manipulating it for your own desires, building the soil to a state of good health, seeing it as the living thing it is, like so many animals who are treated only as items to harvest. I want a green thumb and I want to understand what plants need, so that whatever I tend to grows strong and lively, and not withering and dead.
Friday, May 5th, 2017
7:22 pm
in a different context.
I'm still not sure about the last stanza of "Atmosphere". I feel like I want it to speak to being present in the moment, and staying present even when the darkness arrives. I'll keep contemplating it, but I also want the final song done by the end of May, at least with working lyrics. Fortunately that song's the shortest lyrically on the album, and only needs three lines. But when you have a song with not many words, the words need to be on point, as the meaning and imagery is condensed.

It's interesting to approach coming up with song titles for these songs, because I want them to play off the idea of this being a "hymnal", so that someone who sees the album would see the list of songs and be intrigued by the names and how they echo what actual name of hymns might be, and then get into the songs and realize there's something else going on. In a different context, I would probably name some of them differently.

I find myself thinking lately that I would really love to get into farming, especially specializing in lesser known fruits, and growing all the food I need for myself while selling the rest to keep the Beast off my back and secure the necessary equipment. Another pipedream? I definitely want to get started around the yard, but I don't quite know enough about permaculture to start designing, as it will be an investment, and I don't want to waste the money. I still do hope someday to quit my job. I'm over half way through Paradise Lot, which has been a nice introduction, and I want to finish it because I'm ready to move on to Gaia's Garden, which looks to be much more educational, so that I can start getting any idea of where I want to start in the yard so that I can start preparing the soil. Tomorrow the Master Gardener's will be at the Matthews farmers market, so I'm curious to see what information and plants they will have to offer.
Monday, May 1st, 2017
9:59 am
Well, I have working lyrics for "Atmosphere", at the last minute (finished them on the last day of April to make my monthly quota). Can't say I'm satisfied with them, at least with the last stanza, but at least I have something to work with. One more song to complete lyrics for.

I'm starting to understand why I need to make this album: To quell my ego, satisfy its wishes and simultaneously teaching it that I'm not as special as it thinks I am, which will be evidenced when it gets little attention. To steal a line from a Sorry About Dresden song, it's about a tired dream that should be put to rest.

I really love being outside and gardening, and would love ultimately to make a living off of it somehow. Growing my own food as a bonus makes it more viable since I won't have significant food bills, but for now it feels like another stupid dream because I lack any real knowledge of how to build a permaculture and am overwhelmed.
Wednesday, April 26th, 2017
12:30 pm
Breathe in the atmosphere,
Take some time for yourself in your apartment;
On the eve of your demigod
Shine a light on the walls of your salvation.

Breathe in the atmosphere,
Blend the earth with the dirt of your fingers;
Should the seeds ever come alive,
Palm your heart like a bald ripe tomato.

Breathe in the atmosphere,
Step inside 'til you find yourself forgiveness,
But will you appear when the squalls arrive?
I am calling your cell for an answer.
I am calling your cell for an answer.

---

Wanted to get those lyrics down while I was thinking of them. I'm not sure if I'm going to make my one song a month quota on this one. I've really let myself get wrapped up in gardening this month, drunk on the idea of growing all my own food, and now coming back to reality and realizing it won't be that simple. I've gone from realizing how dangerous it is to consume animal products to how dangerous it is to consume anything that you don't grow yourself. I've been shaken by realizing that the raised beds I built only get four hours of full sun (in the afternoon), and at best three hours of speckled sun (in the morning). Only the front yard and side yard along the driveway get at least eight hours of sun. I don't think the beds will go to waste as there are partial-sun crops that could work there (greens, etc.). But fruiting plants like tomatoes won't, and they will need trellis support, so I would need to figure out a way to make those look decent from the street.

Back to the song: The first three lines, the tomato line, and the last line I've had for a long time; now I'm just trying to fill in the pieces. Though the content might twist once the final verse is finished, I see it as a reminder to reflect, to withdraw after traumatic events and tend to yourself, for healing. Obviously "demigod" refers to Jesus, so the eve is likely Christmas, the beginning of winter and the hibernation until spring, the sun beginning its long, steady battle in overcoming the night. That salvation line I'm not sure about, but I want it to be about the trappings of salvation unearned, without the hard work of self examination. The second verse alludes to gardening, apropros to my recent studies and dilemma, using gardening as a metaphor for self-love and -rejuvenation.
Sunday, April 23rd, 2017
1:12 am
latest addiction, part 2.
Confidence has been shaken lately. One of the types of cantaloupe I planted is getting ravaged by bugs; I think at least one plant isn't going to make it. Gracie's cabbage seems to be struggling; not sure if it's because we kept inside too long before planting it, and not hardening it. And finally, it dawned on me that they beds may not be getting enough sun. They probably get around 5 hours of direct sun, while with a garden you usually want at least 6, with some plants wanting 8. The beds do get at least a couple of hours of speckled sunlight. There's just so many trees, and our backyard, where all the trees are, is positioned toward the south.

My ultimate goal is to grow as much of our food as possible, all our produce with the exception of some fruits and mushrooms.
Wednesday, April 19th, 2017
7:16 pm
latest addiction.
My latest addiction has become gardening, it seems. This is a productive addiction, but there are no quick fixes. These fixes take time to develop.

Last year I began my foray into gardening, starting with a single 4'x8' bed, which I built it myself with six 2"x6"x8's and half a 2"x4"x8' of pressure treated lumber. I filled this with compost from a church friend Andy Hunter, who raises three miniature horses and has a large compost composed mostly of the horse manure. I didn't add anything, as I heard from others that it was all they needed to grow things. In hindsight, they may have meant it was they needed *to add to the existing soil* to grow things, which to them was probably common sense. I planted tomato plants, bell peppers, hot peppers, zucchini, lettuce, basil, rosemary, and something we thought was lavender but I think just ended up being a flowering plant. The basil and not-lavender grew great, rosemary stalled, zucchini seemed to be doing well and then died when it started to get really hot, lettuce got eaten by deer or I let go too long and it bolted, bell and hot peppers did not produce very well and tomato plants got devoured by deer and never had a chance to produce. In the end I was able to harvest lots of basil, a bit of rosemary, and a few modestly-sized bell peppers, and a handful of tiny hot peppers. At the back of the bed the blackberry thorn bushes began to encroach to the point that I could no longer walk back there, and more than a few weeds had grown their way up out of the bottom of the bed (which I had blanketed with cardboard before filling with the compost). To the side of the bed we attempted to grow three 8' foot rows of strawberries directly into the soil, and that failed miserably and the whole plot was overtaken by weeds.

One would think I would not have much confidence going into this year, but quite the opposite. I built three more of the same bed, and did a better job at organizing the area, making it look neat. I didn't just clear the spot for the beds but also a 2' perimeter all around, and put down cardboard and mulch so I won't have to worry about encroaching thistles again. I also have posts in place and just need to put up netting in order to keep deer out this year (although I haven't seen deer around much in recent months, but I'm not taking chances). Instead of just compost I decided to fill up the beds 2/3 with topsoil I bought from a local landscaping supply place, and the rest with Andy's compost. Perhaps more importantly, I am applying wood-chip mulch to the beds themselves around the plants to keep the beds from the drying out and provide steady nutrients as the chips compost down. Again, this seems like common sense, but how many people simply leave their garden soil bare?

While last year was a "just do something and learn from the experience" lack of production, my goal this year is to have a different problem: too much production, plants stumbling over themselves, and me scrambling for trellises to keep up all the plants. This year I hope to learn more about spacing, both horizontal and vertical.
Sunday, April 9th, 2017
11:22 pm
It's been a bloody stupid day. I'm starting to dread Sundays. Half a day gets wasted, for what? Church has nothing to offer me anymore; I just do it for the kids, and I guess getting to play music with others. It's the only time I get to do that.

I am useless, inert. I've been snapping at the kids all day, no patience for K's bullshit neediness, clinginess, screaming. No patience for the state of the house. Kids are off this week and I have no plans for them. Don't care. I don't give a shit anymore. I'm tired of spending so much time in the kitchen on meals that no one cares for. I should just make bulk rice, beans, veggies, sauces, and leave it at that. Healthy, minimal effort. I have no recipes for that, though, so what the fuck am I talking about?

You don't know me. I don't care about you. A wasted day in my life. I only have so many left. Will my own life ever begin? Am I just a coward? I'm tired of being alone.
Saturday, April 8th, 2017
10:58 am
A response to a facebook post (yeah, still checking back in there):

We all have beliefs, but unfortunately for some beliefs are an end and not a means. Belief is the compass by which we act, and faith is the courage, and through our actions we gain the experience and wisdom to better understand truth/reality. Truth is objective and does not care about labels like "atheist" or "agnostic".

---

I'd feel comfortable completely nixing youtube. Before I felt I needed it to feel connected to veganism and stay on track, but I haven't learned anything there for several months, and the so-called vegan community has dissolved. Now it's just a pastime or a source for music videos, and as I rev myself up to be a songwriter/performer, it's helps me to get in touch with this, I suppose; but really, if I'm using it for "research" purposes such as that, I could get better at organizing my time. I don't see how I am benefiting from it. Facebook originally was about a means of keeping in touch with family and what is going on in their lives, and that's what I am falling back on, not posting about veganism or my other opinions about how inharmonious our manmade reality is. But doesn't stop other folks from posting their opinions, which often propels me to comment, so that's something I'm struggling with. I often do a quick scan of my feed to see what's happening; there may be more people I could unfollow to clean it up.

I understand now the importance of withdrawing from your computer and national issues and engaging in your local community and what is happening in your perceptive radius. Social media, and media in general is a matrix. But how do I engage? I suppose finishing this album is part of it for me, with a completed album (or, at least, a ready-to-record album), I feel comfortable getting out and performing my own music. I feel like that's where my talent is. Music, specifically pop music, is a catalyst for widespread change in consciousness. Or at least it was. The current state of rock/pop music is not one I understand; growing up MTV was the monopoly and hub for all things new in music (VH1 was my like the easy-listening little sister channel), but now there is no centralization. Since Radiohead, what good bands/music has come out? Like, truly good, music that people thinking in a different way? I grew up a fan of Green Day, but I really don't understand how they ended up in the R&R Hall of Fame. There induction proves that the powers that be consider them to be a safe band, rambunctious enough to catch the discontented without providing them guidance by which change can be enacted.

"Sure, talk about change, but just don't do anything. We want to keep things as they are." The Matrix trilogy is such a great allegory for this; the 1% discontent enough to act have their path laid out for them by which they think they can make a difference, but ultimately there's no overcoming 99% hive mind. The entire species has to go to the brink of extinction before an awakening could be rendered on all.

Engaging the world at this moment would be irresponsible for me, I think. I still need to put the time in to ready myself, and this album symbolizes that for me.
Friday, April 7th, 2017
10:55 pm
I said I would leave facebook and youtube, and I was good on that promise for like half a day. It's easy to get lost and fall back into old habits. I feel I have so much to say, and so it's easy to forget that I have no audience. I can drop truthbombs until I'm blue in the face to no effect. Sometimes I like to slip a truthbomb in on a conversation just to see it bounce off the person's cognizance.

I'm losing focus. I like to blame it on the fact that we have two more kids, but really how focused was I beforehand? These addictions are stifling me, and no doubt my pushing them to the back of my mind is a defense mechanism, because what the fuck else am I going to do? Day-to-day shit has to get done. People need to eat.

Where am I going? What is my purpose? Will I ever shake these colds and get my voice and vigor back? I need to get in some sort of shape if I'm going to perform songs.

I have two songs remaining to complete lyrics for on Hymnal. Next up, if I'm continuing going in order of how the songs will appear on the album is, tentatively "In The Atmosphere". I have bits and pieces of lyrics; it's just a matter of filling it out. It's a very simple structure musically, the first of it's kind that will appear on the album (but not the last; the following, and 6th overall, song will be "Half-Belief", and pretty much every song after that has a simpler structure than the first half of the album). Just three chords over and over, though the rhythm is interesting: Dmaj7 (3-3-2-2-2), Cmaj7 (3-3-2-2-2), B/Bsus4 (3-3-2-2, 3-3-2-2-2) -- the first measure of the B/Bsus4 is cut short the last 2-beat, and, because there is a very airy, appregioic quality to how the chords are played, it's not so obvious what the rhythm is. No chorus, just three stanzas, although each one begins with the same line "breathe in the atmosphere":

breathe in the atmosphere
take some time for yourself and your apartment
on the eve of your demigod
_____

breathe in the atmosphere
_____
_____
palm your heart like a bald, ripe tomato

breathe in the atmosphere
____
____
i am calling your cell for an answer
i am calling your cell for an answer

-

I see the song as something of a prayer, or meditation of introspection, a reminder to take a moment to know your own self. In the arc of the story going on in the album, it comes after "The Prodigal Father" where the warmongering patriarchal figure is doing his damnedest to keep his son in line, but by the end of that song, the son has left him and that world behind. "Atmosphere" thus provides a moment of calm and clarity following the rupture and thus ends the first half of the album, before the son begins the next chapter of his life, the so-called "desert of your life" by the patriarchal figure.
Tuesday, April 4th, 2017
10:23 am
I finally have working lyrics for the song previously known as "Don't Go Home"/"The Call of Satan". I'm kind of going back to the old 'Satan' name but taking his name before the fall (Lucifer), and by calling it Lucifer's Calling instead of, say, The Call of Lucifer, it can be read a couple different ways, all of which, I think, work (i.e., Lucifer is calling you, or the calling Lucifer himself received). The bringer of light reveals the truth, but to arrive at truth one must first plunge down into the muck for closer inspection.

I hate that it took me over a month. March has been rough, not getting much sleep, being sick half the time, no exercise, dealing with C & K's chronic screaming at bedtime or in the middle of the night. Two more songs to finish, then I can start looking at getting out to open mics, possibly finding musicians to play with, and recording this album.

"Lucifer's Calling"

Sundays rise
into a sea of anarchists and christs,
but i'll be here to play any game you want.

Through bad news
the conversation turned into yer blues --
don't be scared, you're still
just a little baby boy.

... And, anyway, i want you here;
behold how the light shines
on our way down,

and in the fall
we sail past our safety
nets off course.

Don't go...
don't go home....
Saturday, March 25th, 2017
10:22 am
paradise lost.
No one fucking listens to me. If I didn't have other pressing responsibilities (you know, kids), I would take a vow of silence until I had figured out how to get people to listen to me, if that ever happened. I am not a victim of circumstance; I take full responsibility for it, but now it's time to move past that and figure it out.

It is all a charade. People say they want violence to end, but then they vote for violence with every forkfull of flesh they put in their mouths. We are the most vile, unredeemable beasts, and yet somehow we've convinced ourselves that we are none of the sort. Unkemptness is revolting because it reminds us of what we really are: just a bunch of animals. Why attempt to exact change on the world when you are just going to get eaten alive by the hive mind? I forever denounce the hive mind, but perhaps it's time I embrace my inner animal.

From this point forward, I will be off of social media until some major change happens in my life. I will get on only for research purposes for whatever I'm working on at the time, not for "social" purposes. Fuck Fakebook, fuck Youtube, fuck the ignorance, fuck the charade. I'm going to finish my album, one way or another, and we'll go from there.
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2017
12:00 am
I'm having trouble focusing on getting the lyrics done for "Don't Go Home". I don't know if it's the consistent sleep deficits or lack of exercise or just a writer's hangover from finishing "In Celebrity" (still fucking happy I finally finished that SOB). But I'm anxious about getting to the next step after finishing the lyrics to this album, though I'm really not sure what that step will be, but I'd like to hit some open mics and contact Tom Eure about recording it, although he tends to be more experience with traditional folk, and I foresee some experimental stuff going on on this album, albeit a very modest amount.

I feel like I'm close to finishing the Christmas song I started working on last Nov/Dec. Let's see:

"Ballad of Joseph"

The winter arrived
With you at my side
In the city we'll find some room tonight
A room tonight...

We have all we need
It's just you and me and we are at home
Wherever we mend our feet tonight
We'll be all right

Mary, shepherds have come, they're saying:
"Mary, we are the ones who have seen the light;
you are the one that will bring new life"
bring new life....

Mary, don't cry; the baby's arrived.
Mary, it's time, your baby's arrived.

You came along
You were singing a song to me, and I swore
You were the link to my heart and mind,
heart and mind -- so sing it, Mary.

Shepherds have come, they're singing:
"Mary, we are the ones who have seen the light;
you are the one that will bring new life"
It'll be tonight....

Mary, don't cry; the baby's arrived.
Mary, it's time to open your eyes.

(so sing it)
Mary, shepherds have come, they're saying:
"Mary, we are the ones who have seen the light;
you are the one that will bring new life"
bring new life -- so sing it

Mary, the stars are alive, they're singing,
Mary: "The moon and the sun, they will reunite;
you are the one that will bring new life...
bring new life..."

Mary, don't cry; your baby's arrived.
Mary, it's time to open your eyes.
--

It's funny to me to share that, since I'm not into Jesus worship like so many Christians, and can't stand such worship songs, but at the time I wanted to challenge myself to writing a Christmas song and as it came about I realized I needed to make something I could enjoy, so the song instead becomes glorifying Mary and the sacred feminine and doesn't even mention the name Jesus, and hints at the cults of the time that worshiped Mary (an iteration of the Goddess, like Isis) as well as the astrology-based worship going on back then.

I also have a Christian song I wrote a few years ago (when I first started playing songs with Steve Kerekes in church, I thought it might be fun to challenge myself to write one), and I'm also quite proud of how it turned out, at least musically, and I still appreciate the lyrics for what they are, which is Jesus's crucifixion from the point of view of a disciple taking in context of a historical Jesus (sin all demigod qualities), even though now I do not believe there was a Jesus, but I do imagine that some of the stories of his life may have been inspired by real-life events (I love to think that the turning over of the moneychanger tables in Jerusalem happened; it's my favorite Jesus story!).

"Don't Go Home" I'm still not sure what it's about. I like the opening verse I came up with:

sundays rise
into a sea of anarchists and christs
but i’ll be here to play any game you want

It may be too abstract, although the music itself is abstract, but certainly reflects my current understanding of natural law. We should not worship Jesus as "the" Christ but rather be seeking to attaining a Christ consciousness in ourselves, and once you do (or are on the path to) you understand that the only reasonable government is self-sovereignty, i.e. individual government over oneself and no one else -- thus anarchists and christs are the same, just looked at at different angles. The last line is about keeping your feet on the ground, in the material, playing by the rules of those still in lower consciousness in order to infiltrate and rattle them from their somnambulistic sleep.

Another line I like, which would be the last before the chorus, is:

and through it all we’ll sail from the safety net off course

Take risks through faith -- get out of your comfort zone -- to seek the experience you desire and discover more of yourself.
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